God’s ways are not my ways…and that’s a very good thing.
If you are a Christian, all of your hopelessness died on the third day when God the Son killed death itself and rose to life again. Victory and power rests in the empty tomb of Jesus Christ, and because he holds the keys to life and death, I can trust that he knows exactly what he’s doing in my life through my pain.
Photo: Unsplash, Martin Adams
I’ve been a chronic pain patient for several years, suffering from degenerative disc disease that puts pressure on my sciatic nerve, causing radiating nerve pain in my right leg. It’s been absolutely miserable for me, but also one of the most spiritually formative things in my life.
I’m reminded here of the eulogy former NFL player Jonathan Evans gave at the home-going celebration of his mother, Lois Evans, when she lost her battle with cancer. He admitted to the hundreds of people in attendance that he had been wrestling with God over why she was not healed and allowed to live despite all the people who were praying for her around the world.
Evans confessed that he questioned God by stating, “[Her healing] was an opportunity for us to see your glory—where are you?”1 And then Evans told the crowd that as he wrestled, God answered. Here’s what he said God brought to his mind:
“You don’t understand the nature of my victory…because victory has already been given to your mom, there was always only two answers to your prayers: either she was going to be healed or she was going to be healed. Either she was going to live or she was going to live. Either she was going to be with family or she was going to be with family. Either she was going to be well taken care of or she was going to be well taken care of. Victory belongs to me! P. S.—don’t tell me how to get my glory.”2
Jonathan Evans’ words are a strong reminder that God is God and we are not. He holds power and command over all things, and because victory already belongs to him as a good and loving Savior, we can know that he is perfectly sovereign when we are confused. His ways are not my ways, but I can always trust that he knows what’s best.
If it were up to me, my pain would have gone away the second it reared its ugly head in my life. I would have drop-kicked my pain into another dimension if I were the ultimate commander of all things, but praise God that I’m not and he is.
I have learned more and grown closer to God in the last decade of my life because of the lingering pain. I have found joy in despair, contentment in anguish, and peace in the chaos of it all because my pain won’t go away. In a very real sense, the physical pain I’ve experienced has been an authoritatively designed gift from God. It has helped me to see the gospel more clearly than ever before, and despite my pain, gospel clarity is always worth it.
For further study and encouragement: Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 34:18
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1. Jonathan Evans, A Celebration of the Life and Legacy of Dr. Lois Evans, https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=13275&v=v01Tj4rumx8&feature=emb_logo.
2. Ibid.
Shelby, I am so sorry you have been hurting.
I know this might sound ridiculous, but I think that maybe the diagnosis you received might not be entirely accurate. I think it’s possible that there might be another explanation for your back pain. I’m not trying to be an armchair doctor or anything, but I want to make sure you’re getting the best care possible.
I have been listening to your great podcast, and from what I have heard, you are exhibiting textbook symptoms of Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS), a condition discovered by the late Dr. John Sarno, a Professor of Medicine at NYU. In the context of degenerative disc disease, Dr. Sarno’s work suggests that the condition may not be primarily caused by the physical deterioration of spinal discs, but rather by the brain’s response to emotional pain and stress.
According to Dr. Sarno, the brain’s stress response can lead to muscle tension, which causes severe physical pain. This tension can be perpetuated by unconscious emotional and psychological factors, such as anxiety, depression, or repressed emotions. In your case, I suspect childhood trauma may be playing a large factor.
If you are in PA, I recommend consulting with Dr. Samuel J. Mann (MD) at Weill Cornell Medicine in NYC, or Paul Gwozdz (MD) in New Jersey. I highly recommend scheduling an appointment with one or both of these experts for a second opinion. I also recommend reading Sarno’s book “Healing Back Pain” while you are waiting for your appointment.
As someone who has suffered from chronic pain in the past, I know if someone had told me that my severe pain was caused by my brain’s stress response, I would have been tempted to roll my eyes. However, after I had been properly diagnosed, I was able to be pain free after three weeks.
I wish you the best and I’ll pray for your healing.
Thank you so much, Ian. Very kind of you to have such a thoughtful and caring response! Blessings to you!