We’ve all got our scars. Whether it’s a mean-spirited name that someone called us in middle school, or something that happened to us involving betrayal by a friend we trusted, we’ve all been hurt in some form or fashion, leading us to walk around with that damage well into our later years. And if that damage happens to be in the area of romance, the scars can last twice as long, leaving us with an improper view of what we believe about singleness and what it actually means.
If we think of being single as a bad thing, as though there is something wrong with us or we’re being punished for failing in a relationship, we start to view it from a negative angle. For many years, I believed that I was single because I was never good enough, man enough, or tall enough (I’m 5’6”) to be seriously considered by any woman out there.
There’s a fundamental flaw in this kind of thinking. We are looking at singleness as a punishment or a substandard way of life that needs to be fixed so we can finally be truly fulfilled and happy. This kind of thinking leads to a defective foundation, which in turn underscores the false belief that singleness is a curse that needs to be lifted, and if it is lifted, all of our problems will go away. I even remember joking about this and saying something like, “Deep down, I know marriage won’t solve all my problems…but even deeper down than that, I believe marriage will solve all my problems.”
I bought into the idea that being single means being half a person, unable to live fully without the other half who was out there somewhere, just for me. As I approached my mid-twenties, all of my other friends were getting married and having their first round of kids. People started to pity me, so they kept trying to connect me with “someone I think you’d like.”
As time moved forward, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Is being single really that bad? Why is everyone treating me like I have this disease that needs to be cured?” And with this thought came a new paradigm for me to think through.
I had been treating my single life as this wound that was preventing me from thriving as a person, when in reality, singleness could actually be a great opportunity for me. I had been thinking that I needed a wife in order to be whole, when the truth was that Jesus had already made me whole by coming into my life and saving me from my sin.
For so long, I sincerely believed I was like a human puzzle with a piece missing. I thought that if I found a wife, my puzzle would be complete and the void in my life would be filled, making my picture complete. But where in Scripture does it say that a spouse will do all of those things? Yes, the Bible does say that if a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22), but that good thing was never meant to be the ultimate thing. The only truly ultimate relationship that can satisfy any deep human desire for a knowing connection is a relationship with Jesus Christ. I had Him in my life already, and I was neglecting Him in my search for a woman.
I believe many young followers of Jesus who are single suffer from the same problem that I did. My life changed when I came to realize that no one person would ever be able to love me the way God already did. No dating relationship would ever be able to fill the self-created emptiness I thought I had in my heart. Yes, I wanted to be loved, but I didn’t realize that I was already being loved. Once I finally saw this, I began to experience freedom within my singleness, not in spite of it.
With all of its challenges, singleness is not a bad thing, and I wish I had seen that during my single years. If you are single now, I hope you don’t think of it as a curse, like I did. The finish line isn’t the end of singleness…the finish line is Heaven. Understanding this will free you up to live in a way that brings glory to the name of Jesus.
Singleness can be an opportunity if you let it flourish instead of wishing it away. God can do wonderful things through this time in your life. As a single person, you are not responsible for someone else emotionally, financially, or spiritually. You probably don’t have a mortgage or kids or increased responsibilities. You are uniquely free to pursue new things. There is a fresh simplicity in being single, while marriage brings with it a certain amount of complexity.
If you believe that you constantly need a significant other to be complete or joyful, then ask yourself why you’re always hoping for something that you don’t have in order to feel satisfied instead of looking to the true fulfillment of a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. He alone satisfies.
Being single does not mean that there is something wrong with you. I hope you understand this, and I hope you believe that singleness is a gift worth cherishing, because once it’s gone, it’s gone.
My single days are now over, and I miss them sometimes because of the freedom I had to make choices on the fly. I’m not saying that I regret anything about my marriage. However, I wish I would have appreciated singleness when I had it, and not constantly wished it away.
Value and treasure the precious time of your single years for what they are—a loving gift from your Heavenly Father.
Singleness for a good man like me is a very bad Curse, since many of us single men really need to be loved as well.
To be single and alone all the time isn’t fun at all for many of us, especially for many of us men that really hate to be. Finding love isn’t easy these days either, since we can’t seem to connect with the right good woman to settle down with.