Many conversations and debates take place among Christians regarding whether or not God has that one perfect person for everyone. There are varying opinions, of course, and the topic is probably on the mind of nearly every single Christian person on the planet. “Is there someone out there for me?” “Is it my responsibility to take the wheel from Jesus (sorry Carrie Underwood) and find my soul mate?”
Good thoughts. Important thoughts. And extremely relevant to a generation of singles who wonder how involved they should be in the process of finding a mate. Personally, I thought I had the answer figured out when I was a college student. Not necessarily because of my own personal experiences in the dating world (which were less than stellar), but because of how I viewed the young men I respected as they traveled the relationship road ahead of me.
As an underclassman, I watched a lot of godly men date, get engaged, get married, and start a family. I rejoiced with them, and took a lot of mental notes on how I needed to emulate the good practices they set forth in their relationships. Time marched on, and I approached the end of college. I saw many close friends find “the one” for them and get married to women who loved Jesus and wanted to glorify Him in their lives. It was great, and what I witnessed only reinforced my understanding that there is a perfect person for everyone who loves and genuinely follows Christ.
But then something happened. A very close friend, whom I admired and respected spiritually, told me one evening that he was thinking of getting a divorce. He explained that things with his wife of a few years weren’t going well and had, in fact, been bad for a while. Even though they tried to work on it by having a baby to “fix” their problems (yep, he was also a new father), they just couldn’t seem to make it work, and were probably going to split very soon.
I was floored. I literally couldn’t believe it when he first told me. I thought he was kidding. I didn’t understand how this could be true. Both my friend and his wife were solid followers of Jesus. They had both been on missionary trips overseas, led Bible studies, discipled younger believers, led worship from up front, and been the faces of leadership within our college ministry. My friend had found “the one” we always believed was out there for him. How could the formula be broken?
Sadly, my friend did get divorced. His ex-wife got remarried, and to this day he is still single. Of course, when his marriage first started, he and his wife made a lot of choices that led to the crumbling of their young relationship, but needless to say, this whole story complicated my mindset. Was there really only one person, chosen by God, just for me? Truthfully, it made me a lot more nervous about something that felt much easier when I believed I would eventually find the person I was destined to spend my life with. And like any belief system, it began to shape my day-to-day actions.
Dating relationships for me weren’t just fun things I enjoyed anymore. They took on more of a frantic, hunting-for-the-right-person vibe. I became a bit obsessed with trying to discover this “right person.” In fact, even when I liked a certain girl, my thoughts could haunt me: Is she the right one? I began to place girls I dated under a microscope of scrutiny that no person could ever feasibly live up to. I evaluated every little thing about the way she spoke, the way she ate, her study habits, her family, and her dating history. Why did she dress the way she did? What does it say about her that her best friend is weird? Does her hair pile up in the sink too much when she brushes it? Does she like to sleep in on the weekends the way I do? I wonder if she likes the same kind of movies and music I do? It was varied, irrational, and, well, ridiculous.
But (by the grace of God!) a moment came when I realized I should probably spend a lot less energy finding the right person, and more on becoming the right person. I found that when most of my attention was focused on the girl, I was neglecting some great opportunities to allow the Lord to develop me. I was worried about how sanctified my date was, when I should have been concentrating on God’s sanctifying work in my life. Perhaps this is obvious in light of the previous paragraph, but for whatever reason, I needed a brief hiatus into my own personal Shelby-orbit before I figured out that I, myself, was a big problem who required significant work. What a jerk I was, huh?
Ah, but our God is a forgiving God, and as I gave this area over to Him, He helped me to see that defect in my life. I asked for forgiveness, and have since tried to allow Jesus to influence my opinions of others and see them through His eyes, not my judgmental ones. It has been a process, but God changed me from within, because all things are possible with Him (Mark 10:27).
So, are you too narrowly focused on finding the right person instead of becoming the right person?
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