Other than on social media, I don’t really keep up with many friends from high school. But if you asked anyone who knew me back then if I would be likely to publish a book on dating, they would no doubt pee their pants from laughing so hard. Why? Because I literally dated one girl in high school…and that “relationship” lasted for all of two weeks.
However, when I graduated from high school and went to college, I decided I should probably make up for lost time. I dated a lot of girls in college. Too many girls. And looking back, I now realize that I probably did this because girls finally took an interest in me, and it simply felt good to have the kind of attention and affection I craved all those years in high school. In college, I soaked up every drop of life those romantic feelings gave me, and went from one girl to the next to the next.
Now, those relationships weren’t based in the sexual arena, but the truth was that I used women (and the jolt of emotions women provided) to make me feel cared for and important. I may not have used them physically, but it certainly doesn’t change the fact that my heart wasn’t in the right place when it came to asking a girl out. I didn’t do it to serve them…I did it to serve myself.
However, with time and increasing maturity, my perspective regarding my sisters in Christ developed nicely and I’m more proud of my actions in the dating realm during the last half of my college career. My list of dates tapered significantly, and at a certain point, I even felt confident enough to speak into the lives of other people on the subject. In fact, during my senior year, I was asked to speak about dating from a Christian perspective on a panel of fraternity and sorority students. Was I in a frat? No, but they also wanted someone on the panel who wasn’t greek, so my guess is that I was the proverbial death of two birds with one stone by being a non-greek Christian student.
I remember vividly what I was feeling as I sat with the other greek students behind a table on that stage: fear. There were around 600 fraternity and sorority students in the audience that night, and I was so absolutely terrified I was going to blow it for all of Christendom by giving a wrong answer or saying something stupid.
Truthfully, though, it ended up being a lot of fun, and I even warmed up the crowd a bit when I made everyone laugh by pointing out a few Christian stereotypes. So when the time came for me to answer a pointed question about what my ideal first date was, I had some credibility in the eyes of the audience when I spoke.
I talked about how the typical first date was often dinner and a movie (at least it was when I was in college), and I went out on a limb to say that I thought a movie was actually a bad first date. “Why would I want to sit next to a girl for two hours, staring at a screen, when I can easily come up with a better idea of how to spend our time?” I said. “Women deserve to be pursued, and going to a movie on a first date doesn’t communicate pursuit. I’d rather interact with her and get to know her.”
I went on to say that I didn’t think going to a movie was a bad date, just a bad first date. Then the student president of the inter-fraternity counsel (also on the panel) publicly disagreed with me and it started a fiery debate about what constituted a good first date, leading the discussion into many different directions, including giving definition to the term “hooking up.” But I digress. All in all, it was a great time.
As I reflect on that moment from my college life, I still hold the same opinion. When you are getting to know someone, it’s important to spend time doing stuff that actually helps you get to know the other person. The argument of the inter-fraternity counsel president that night on the panel was that you can discuss the movie with your date after the film and this would help you get to know them. In my mind, however, that’s a bit of a stretch.
After watching a movie with your date, can you talk and learn more about the heart of the person you just sat next to? Sure…a little. But in reality, there’s a much better chance of you discovering more about the other person while conversing over a meal, a walk, a game, or an activity. Asking good questions about real life and listening, instead of discussing whether the romanticism or action in the flick you just saw was realistic, is a far better way to get to know them. And this is coming from someone who LOVES movies and television! Trust me—save the movie for date number three (I just picked an arbitrary number…it doesn’t have to be the third date).
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