Most of the time, friendships begin in a very natural way and they are somewhat easy to maintain if there is a deep connection between two people. But as most of us know, things don’t always stay that way. The same goes for dating relationships. In the very wise book of Proverbs, verse 17:17a says: A friend loves at all times.
As we begin to think of our dating partners more in terms of a thriving friendship, we will want to engage with the natural work it will take to maintain that friendship. Dating can be hard. Friendship can be hard. And when you put dating and friendship together, those variables can make it doubly difficult! But like anything we think is worth it, we’ll work fervently to maintain the relationship. Here’s how…
First, you need to be disciplined. If you want to get in shape, you need to commit to a regiment of repeated exercise. If you want to gain muscle mass, you need to methodically hit the gym and lift weights. If you want to drop a few pounds after a season of liberal munching during the holidays, you have to control your diet in the new year. All of these things take discipline. And by definition, discipline is the habitual practice of training yourself to obey a certain code of behavior in order to achieve a particular goal.
Discipline, of course is not only required for getting in shape or losing weight, it’s also necessary when it comes to maintaining the kind of healthy friendship you need in your dating relationship. You need to take the initiative and be intentional about working on your friendship, not just see it as a little extra thing you sustain on the side. If you neglect the friendship element at the beginning of the relationship, you certainly won’t work on it when times are difficult and the puppy love has dwindled.
It takes discipline to intentionally communicate with someone when you’re tired or busy or it’s inconvenient for you, but that’s what good friends do. It takes discipline to meet someone for coffee early in the morning when you’ve been up late the night before for whatever reason, but if you make the commitment, you need to follow through with it, because that’s what a friend does.
Invest in your friendship now and you will see the fruit of that investment in the future, I promise. Couples who only spend time on the romantic aspect of their relationship have a lot of emotional highs in the initial stages of their dating life, but when tough times happen and things aren’t so happy-go-lucky all the time, things can crumble quickly if there isn’t any solid foundation beyond the gooey emotions. It’s easy to be lovey-dovey, but friendship takes effort, and like most anything that requires discipline, the effort of working at your friendship will pay off in the future.
Secondly, a solid relationship needs something that I like to define as “gumption.” Spunk. Oomph. Moxie. Get-up-and-go. Basically, it means being there for the other person when it’s hard or inconvenient to be there for the other person.
This applies to more than just the natural obstacles that arise in a relationship because of a certain environment, timing, or outside influence from other people. Yes, we need to be there for our dating partners in those situations, obviously. But the going really gets tough when we find ourselves in a situation that requires us to personally confront a girlfriend or boyfriend. This can mean taking a risk and discussing something difficult because it will ultimately help them and build them up to be more like Jesus.
Oscar Wilde said, “True friends stab you in the front,” meaning we need to talk with our girlfriend/boyfriend about any issues we may see becoming a potential stumbling block toward godly growth in their lives, instead of succumbing to the temptation of talking about them behind their back. And even more appropriately for Christians, Proverbs 27:6 says,
Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. (NLT)
I would much rather have a friend say the hard thing and raise the bar as a challenge to live my life, than an enemy pat me on the back via false sentiment. And if the person you’re dating isn’t the kind of friend who is willing to challenge you to be better, do you really want them as a dating partner? If you are dating someone who simply agrees with everything you do and isn’t willing to move into the tough conversations because they simply want to keep the peace, how will either of you grow?
Or worse, if all you want is a boyfriend or girlfriend who never confronts you about anything because you never want to develop into anything other than what you are right now, you shouldn’t be dating. If that describes you, go buy a dog…or a robot…or a robot dog. They’ll obey your orders.
One of the best things about bringing other people into our lives is that they challenge us to move into higher levels of maturity. Date someone who has a spine and is willing to help make you a better you.
Now, let me be clear about what I’m saying here and what I’m not saying. I am saying that the person you date should inspire you to grow and walk closer with Jesus. I am not saying that the person you date should be a domineering dictator who constantly tells you how to live your life. There is a line between deep care for someone who encourages you to challenge them to live better, and a manipulative control freak who demands others to conform to their instruction. Many have crossed that line, and when it happens, bad things often follow.
I am not telling you to constantly point out the flaws in your dating partner and demand that they get their act together. I am not telling you to stand in judgment of your girlfriend’s character defects and make her feel small because she isn’t perfect. I am not telling you to passive-aggressively mock your boyfriend in order to get him to behave the way you want him to every hour of the day. This kind of motivation for changing someone is just as sinful as the flaws you might see in your partner. No, please don’t use what I’m saying as a license to cut down the person you’re dating.
It’s important that we gently instruct our dating partners to walk with Jesus, but how that instruction is delivered is just as important (if not more so) than the instruction itself. When and if you decide to deliver the “wound” that Proverbs 27:6 talks about, make sure you put an ample amount of prayer into it and examine your motivations for doing so before you open your mouth and offer your instruction. Yes, the wound can hurt when it’s inflicted, but if it is done without the specific purpose of helping the other person grow, irreparable damage can be done.
Of course, it’s never easy for a friend to point out your shortcomings (especially when you’re trying to impress them all the time), but real friends do this because they refuse to let you stay where you’re at, wallowing in your failures. The veneer of perfection cannot and will not last long in your dating relationship, so let your boyfriend or girlfriend see you, flaws and all.
And just as a side note, being an instrument of truth also needs to be timed well in a romantic relationship. A first date is not the right time to point out someone’s issues. Like in a friendship with a member of the same sex, a platform of trust must be built before the liberty of correction can be exercised. Going there too quickly can ruin the friendship, and consequently the dating relationship. Use caution and wisdom.
I hope that’s helpful as we work on our friendships within our romances.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.