Are You Dating A Life-Taker?

When we look to culture to tell us how to have a relationship, we get beer commercials, tabloid postings, and reality TV that scream at us, “This is the right way to do it!” And most of the time, we buy it. We pick up a magazine at the grocery store checkout line and see the cover exclaim to us the way to get the most pleasure out of sex, so we purchase it. We religiously watch every episode of The Bachelor and see a man claim to be in love with the final woman contestant who made it to the end, when just yesterday he was making out in a hot tub with the other two finalists he didn’t pick. Celebrity couples marry, and they get divorced…and this feels like the norm. We think that relationships are all about us and what the other person can do for us, but Jesus taught something radically different.

But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Matthew 20:26b-28)

We are called not to be takers in a dating relationship, but givers. Servants who model ourselves after Christ Himself instead of the predominant opinion of modern culture, begging us to fulfill our own needs and desires. Jesus came not to be served but to serve, and this should be our primary goal as we look toward dating. Before sin entered the picture, humanity was designed to give, serve, and love. Jesus lived this out as the perfect example, and the cool thing is we can do that now…even in our modern American approach to dating.

When both people in a dating relationship are looking to give and pour into one another, they are a beautiful model of what a healthy relationship should be, and they set an incredible example for others to emulate. They also set themselves up well for the possibility of marriage, because any married couple can tell you that being married is about serving the other person and dying to yourself, not selfishly taking. That’s right—the primary reason for getting married is to give to the other person, not be in it for yourself.

I’ve seen a number of people live out this mindset of service within a dating relationship, and it has been extremely encouraging for me to witness what a godly couple looks like when serving the other person is the priority. Let me give you a few practical examples of what I mean:

1. I know a guy who would do a monthly “favorites” date with his girlfriend. He’d put the time and forethought into planning a series of things to do during a day or evening that were his girlfriend’s favorite things. She loved the outdoors, so they would do things like go for a walk, go on a bike ride, enjoy a picnic outside, etc. She also loved ice cream, so he would intentionally plan to visit every local ice cream place in the area, checking them off one by one. Nothing too over-the-top or crazy, but their monthly favorites date communicated to her that she was special and her interests were his priority.

2. Okay, here’s a personal one that I did for the woman who would become my bride. After my wife, Rachael, and I had been dating for only about 3 months or so, we were forced to spend the summer apart because I was heading to Daytona Beach, Florida for a summer missions project, and she was flying to the other side of earth to study abroad in Florence, Italy. I wanted her to enjoy her trip and feel encouraged, so I created “Rachael’s Travel Survival Kit” for her to do on the plane to Europe. I made puzzles for her to solve, I wrote up quizzes for her to take, I drew black and white pictures for her to color, and I included a bunch of encouraging Scripture verses for her to read through as she flew. Yes, it was cheesy, but she liked that sort of thing, and I certainly loved making it for her.

3. One of the guys in my Bible study had a girlfriend who would routinely surprise him throughout their relationship with small, but fun little delightful moments that communicated, “I’m thinking about you and I care about you” to him. She’d do things like leave notes for him in places he would later find them, including fake parking tickets on his car that read, “This isn’t a parking fine, but you’re certainly fine!” Ugh, I know, I know…but he really loved it. In the fall, she would also buy him a t-shirt or jersey of his favorite football team, place it in his room, along with a note that communicated to him she couldn’t wait to watch the game with him come Sunday afternoon (even though she hated football). She would also do things like sneak into his place and clean up his room and bathroom. She’d do his laundry when he was really busy with school (not all the time, of course—she made it clear to him that she wasn’t his mother), and bake him dessert-type treats when he needed to pull an all-nighter before a big test the next day. She was the picture of someone who cared about serving the guy she dated…and I loved being in their wedding when they both graduated from college.

All of these examples require discipline and a certain mindset, because our default is to think solely about ourselves. The repercussions of serving someone you care about, however, are quite delightful.

I heard a friend once say, “It took me 10 years to figure out that the biggest problem in my marriage was me.” This implies, of course, that if you become comfortable in your own selfishness, you’re going to have some major problems. There’s no better way to prepare for a great marriage of giving than to start practicing the art of giving when you date. Let’s look to Jesus Christ, the ultimate servant, as the trailblazer on how we should do relationships and serve one another. This will not only bolster great dating relationships, but will also shine brightly in the darkness of cultural dating, drawing others to the redeeming power of Christ’s love and sacrifice.