Possessing the character quality of being a good listener is something many of us would say we’d want, so in the name of becoming better listeners, let me share a few helpful tips I’ve picked up over the years as I’ve studied people, including the various communication tactics good listeners use. Hopefully, a careful study of this subject will vastly improve the quality of your relationships—friendships, dating relationships, family connections…any relationship, really.
1. Ask good questions when someone is finished communicating so they have the opportunity to further clarify what they want to say. Don’t you love it when someone asks you a great question? You get the sense that they genuinely care about you and your insight into the topic at hand. Asking good questions communicates interest, and interest is an important thing to express when you’re dating someone. Be careful, however, not to ask too many questions or inappropriately timed questions when someone is speaking. Continually interrupting someone’s train of thought with various questions can be more annoying than endearing. Listen well and ask well.
2. When someone is talking, reflectively listen to what they are trying to convey. When a person reflectively listens, they repeat back what they hear in a way that shows they are paying attention to what’s being said. You have to be careful here too, though, because reflective listening is a skill that requires a bit of delicacy and balance. If it’s done wrong, it can come off as irritating or condescending. You don’t want to repeat everything you hear back to the communicator, just important main points that tell the other person speaking you are following them, and tracking with what they are trying to get across. This establishes clarity between two people.
3. Affirm what someone is saying and resist the temptation to attack them when you disagree with their opinion. It’s easy to find flaws in people’s thinking or reasoning, especially when the topic of discussion is something you are passionate about. But verbally jumping all over someone won’t be productive and will most likely deeply hurt the one you’re conversing with. Affirmation doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree completely with what they are saying, but there are always touch points within a dialogue where you can find common ground. Affirming those areas of agreement instead of attacking them can smooth out some topic tension and lower the guard of the one who’s speaking to you. When you affirm just a few things someone says, they feel listened to, appreciated, and will be more likely to respond to you with warmth instead of coldness.
These three things are a great place to start if you desire to be a better listener. However, I must pause here and remind you that even though I’m dishing out advice on how to listen well, I am not claiming to be an expert. Sometimes I surprise myself at how bad I am at listening, especially when certain things like anger get thrown into the mix. For some reason, when I get mad, my eardrums close and a healthy portion of my sensibility withers away. I’m disappointed at my listening skills when I’m angry, but I continue to pray that the Lord will grant me the maturity to become a better listener as I walk closer with Him. I know my wife would be pleased if that were to happen.
James 1:19 says: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
You know it’s time to whip out a pen and underline something in the Bible when it intentionally says “take note of this.” Being a person who is quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger is kind of like being a person who is beautiful, athletic, kind, humble, and able to juggle chainsaws to raise money for children’s charity. In other words, they’re rare.
I love it, though, because God’s word sets the bar high for our lives. It would be a huge bummer if the Bible said something like, “Listen to people when you aren’t distracted, keep the cussing to a minimum, and don’t hit someone more than twice if they hit you first.” The Lord wants us to live our lives with excellence, and even though it may seem impossible at times, He gives us the power to do it through the Holy Spirit.
When we allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us on a moment-by-moment basis, we are tapping into the ultimate power source for a life completely glorifying to God and completely exhilarating for us to live. He is the One who makes it possible for us to listen well, communicate with clarity and maturity, honor our bodies by resisting sexual temptation, and focus appropriately on others so they can understand what we are trying to say. Yielding our lives to the Holy Spirit’s influence will make our relationships the best they can possibly be because when He is in control, we become better communicators and James 1:19 becomes not just a possibility, but a reality.
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