There is an inappropriate and strangely popular side effect of little-to-no communication in a dating relationship—the manipulative tactic called “playing relationship games.”
When I say games, of course, I’m not referring to busting out Settlers of Catan on a Saturday night and enjoying some healthy competition. What I’m talking about here is the specific scheming that can go on between two people who are dating one another in an attempt to elicit a certain response from their partner. It’s essentially intentional manipulation for the purposes of either getting something you want, subtly asserting your dominance, or triggering that unexplained jolt of adrenaline one gets when you tamper with someone’s emotions and their heart is on the line.
Games are carefully crafted manifestations of selfishness, and they do nothing but hurt other people. You can see examples of relationship games all the time in romantic comedies, dramatic television, or your run-of-the-mill elementary school playground. For the sake of clarity, let’s outline a typical playground case of “relationship manipulation.”
A little boy playing on the monkey bars likes a little girl who’s playing on the swings, so he walks up to her, pushes her off of her swing, punches her in the arm, and as she screams for the teacher, he pulls her hair. Now, why would this little boy do this to a little girl who he supposedly likes? Because pushing her off the swing, punching her in the arm, and pulling her hair “means something.” The little boy will then get punished by the teacher and subsequently teased by every other little boy on the playground afterward as they chant, “YOU’VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND! YOU’VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND!” over and over again. The little boy doesn’t mind, though, because these are the necessary consequences one must be willing to put up with for the sake of love.
Ridiculous? Of course it is. When we see relationship games played out in such an absurd display, we scoff at the methods the little boy uses to prove his love to the little girl by doing one thing, yet meaning something totally different. Truthfully, however, many other “grown up” displays of relationship games are peppered throughout our lives all the time. Girls say one thing, but they mean another. Guys will act a certain way one evening, but then act another way the next day. She will send a cryptic text to see how he will respond. He will act interested in another girl just to make her jealous. Juvenile stuff.
I’ve seen guys manipulate women by hanging out with a girl’s best friend and drop hints about how he’s single just to see if the friend will mention anything about the girl he likes. I’ve seen girls intentionally leave a social media status up in hopes that the guy they like will take the bait and get in touch with them about what they’ve posted. Nothing seems to be off limits when it comes to manipulating someone in order to get what you want. Even one of the most popular secular relationship books in publication, entitled The Rules, is basically a step-by-step guide on how to manipulate a man into pursuing you by playing games. Sure, we see the example of the little boy on the playground and label it as nonsensical, but the truth is we are buying into the exact same relationship philosophy if we are playing games with one another instead of communicating with openness and honesty.
I came across this verse in my early years as a follower of Jesus Christ, and it stirred something up inside me as I pondered the challenge it gave to my life:
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. (1 Corinthians 13:11, ESV)
Little boys and little girls send mixed messages that are supposed to “mean something.” But when little boys and little girls become men and women, they give up childish ways and communicate with one another. Healthy communication is the antidote to the poison of manipulation and games. When we are clear about our intentions and uninterested in messing around with another person’s heart, roads are opened up toward vulnerability, trust, honesty, and eventually a strong bond.
The temptation in dating and relationships is to go for the quick thrill of deceit or game-playing, but our hearts are precious treasures that deserve better treatment. When I was single, I was on the lookout for someone I could trust, but when you know that you are being manipulated, that trust is broken. Like me, my guess is that you are probably unwilling to lay your heart on the line when the relationship feels risky because someone might be playing games. Each of us deserves better in a relationship, so don’t settle for someone who is prone to childish ways.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.