Over the last few years, I have had many friends go through difficult and impossible times of grief. Things like deep financial troubles, broken romantic relationships, married couples who suffer from infertility, and even friends who have lost their very own children. And while I myself have struggled with how to comfort parents who grieve because of losing a child, this list was given to me by some friends who experienced the horror of losing their son a few years back. I found this to be enormously helpful and highly practical, so I wanted to share it with you.
Here are 13 ways (compiled by my friends from various sources) that can help you comfort a parent with a grieving heart:
1. Be there. I’ve heard it said, “It’s not the words you spoke; it’s the tear you left on my cheek.” Walk with us through the valley no matter how long it takes. It may take awhile. Statistics show that a parent is considered newly bereaved for five years. We may tell you we want to be alone. Yes, you should honor that. But know that we don’t mean forever, just maybe right now. What we really want is for you to be there.
2. Pray for us. Don’t stop, although we may even tell you to stop. Our faith has been shaken and we feel as though we have been betrayed. We wonder how God could have allowed this to happen. We may even be angry with Him for a ?time. We need your prayers. Often, we feel too wounded and weak to pray for ourselves.
3. Don’t forget the extended family. Our kids are hurting too, so are our parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Their pain can go unnoticed, but it is just as real and deeply felt. Send a card, say something, and give them hugs too.
4. Don’t expect very much from us. It is a challenge to get out of bed, and (on a good day) remember to brush our teeth. Basic functions take a lot of effort, and staying focused is near impossible. Small, random things can trigger memories that set us back for hours or days. We want to fully engage with our life, our job, our friends, but it is hard. We’ll get there eventually, but don’t rush the process.
5. Show love through actions. Even though our world has stopped, life continues. We have to cook, clean, take care of our remaining family, and go back to work. Help us. Bring over a meal. Watch the kids.
6. Make concrete suggestions. “Is there anything you need?” is an often-heard question which can be difficult for a grieving person to formulate an answer to, because many ?times, they’re not sure what they need. Don’t wait until I ask you—I probably won’t. So come up with a concrete suggestion: “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?” “Can I run to the grocery store and pick up a gallon of milk for you?” “Can I take your children to the park on Friday?”
7. Remember special events—not just that first year, but every year. We will always be parents who miss our child. Write those dates on your calendar and send a card, drop a note, make a phone call. For most everybody, our child’s death/funeral was an event that happened in the past. For us, it is a reality that we will live with every day for the rest of our lives.
8. Say something, but don’t offer advice or give clichés. Yes, words are insufficient, but we need to know you hurt with us and that you care. We don’t, however, need a sermon on how best to grieve or clichés such as, “Time heals all wounds,” “He’s in a better place,” or, “It was God’s will.” Don’t assume that you know how we feel. Even other grieving parents don’t truly know our grief. We are each unique.
9. Say my child’s name. We love to hear it! Remember a story about him and share it with us. Don’t act like he never existed. Let us talk about him; don’t change the subject. We may tell you the same things over and over and over, but please just be there.
10. Send pictures. Several people sent us pictures they had taken at parties, church, and various places. Receiving these photos means a lot.
11. Accept that we are different now. We will never be the person we were before. We have lost a portion of ourselves, and we are different now. We may be less personable, more serious, intense, emotional, whatever. It may make you uncomfortable that I start crying for no apparent reason. Please give us ?time.
12. Visit the cemetery. And when you do, leave a note, a flower, or just tell us that you stopped by his grave. It means a lot.
13. Watch for the signs. Be alert to behavior that may be dangerous. There are those who cannot move beyond their pain; encourage them to talk to someone in the professional field. Search out a support group for them, and offer to go to it with them.
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.